I've always wanted to own my own bookstore/coffee shop, and this is what I want to call it. I actually hate cherries, except fresh Bing cherries. But honestly, a hot fudge sundae is not complete without a cherry. It's just that extra topping that makes it perfect. And that's what I want out of life...all the extras that God gives to make it "perfect" or at least a little closer to heavenly.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Encouragement in a New Light Continued

Ok. I promised I'd talk about the sex side of the book The Truth About Cheating that they talked about on Oprah. (You know what's funny? I took notes on the show just so I could blog about it! He! He!) Just a reminder...Mr. Newman, the author of the book, said from his studies that 1 in 3 men cheat but 92% said it was not about the sex. It was the emotional disconnection from their wives. 88% of the men did not cheat with women who were in better shape or were better looking.
Mr. Newman did say that the majority of men said it was not about the kind of sex but about the frequency of sex. He said that our society, women's magazines etc., tend to make women think they have to learn all these new positions and techniques but in actuality its more about how often you're having sex. He also said that "women initiating sex is like men washing dishes and giving us flowers!" (I love that!) He said that men express love, connection, passion, and sensuality through sex. Sex makes men feel like a winner, adored, admired, etc. Have you ever thought about sex in that way? Those are certainly things I want my husband to feel and know.
I mentioned in my other blog that I had gotten an email. It was actually my Daily Espresso from imom about the differences between men and women. The article was by Dr. Greg Smalley. Here's the link if you want to read it. http://www.imom.com/ispecialist/articles/index.php?id=116 Here's a little bit of what he said...
4. Men Want Activity; Women Want Relational Connection
If you mention intimacy to a man, they most likely will imagine a host of things that fly in the face of what you're thinking about. Here are a few differences in the way women look at intimacy, feelings, and emotions:
o Deep emotional connection
o Daily time sharing their heart
o Daily time hearing the heart of the one they love
o The ability to cry easily and together at emotional moments
o A sensitivity to know immediately when feelings are hurt
o An understanding of each other's dreams and goals
o Closeness of the heart and soul
Men have very little idea about these concepts of intimacy. Their brains are soaked in testosterone, remember. This means that they are fact-focused. Intimacy means something entirely different to most men. Take a look at this list:
o Deep physical connection
o Foreplay
o Hand-holding, hugging, kissing
o An understanding of each other's physical needs
o The ability to communicate physical needs
o Physical time alone together
o A sensitivity to know when physical needs are present
These two lists illustrate a very important difference between men and women. When defining intimacy (a deep emotional connection), according to renowned sociologist Dr. Deborah Tannen, most men and women do not see eye-to-eye on intimate matters. In other words, men and women define intimacy very differently. Women usually view intimacy as "deep talking" or connecting through words. This is why my wife does not usually feel "intimate" when we watch TV or "do" something. Instead, she feels a strong connection when we talk or communicate at a deep level, sharing feelings and needs. On the other hand, men usually view intimacy as "doing things" or connecting through activity (e.g., TV, sex, wrestling, or whatever). This is why I do not feel "intimate" when we are merely talking. Now, you get me talking while I'm fishing or playing ping-pong, then I feel connected because of the combination of action and words. This difference certainly impacts a couple's sexual relationship. Men often view sex as a way to secure intimacy, in that the activity of sex leads to a feeling of intimacy with his wife. On the other hand, women view sex as a consequence of the relationship, in that a good relationship leads to a desire for sex. It's no wonder sex is one of the top conflicts in marriage—look at the difference in how sex is used in the relationship. The man uses sex to feel an intimate connection with his wife, while the woman uses an intimate connection to have sex. We are so different!

So I feel God has been trying to teach me through all of this that I need to invest in making more of an emotional connection with my husband. That includes doing things to make him feel loved, encouraged, and appreciated. Evidently, frequent sex is on the top of the list of how to accomplish that. But right along with that, I need to continue searching for small (and large too) gestures to encourage Lloyd.
May God open our eyes to the ways in which we can encourage our husbands. May we find great pleasure in doing so! :)

2 comments:

Vicki said...

That is so true. I heard someone say once that Men have a relationship to have sex, and women have sex to have a relationship. I know God knew what he was doing when he designed man and woman so differently, but somedays I just don't get it. I need to look at my relationship with Donny as God's way to meet the needs he didn't design me to handle!

2 Little Lights said...

WOW! I love this. This is SO encouraging! I NEVER really thought about Josh feeling adored and admired through sex. That really motivates me EMOTIONALLY:)

Thanks so much Randi for taking the time to take notes and share this on your blog!!